Last week’s blog post addressed the need for job seekers to tap into social networks and also discussed some aspects of social psychology that make the COVID19 epidemic such an opportune time to ask for help. This week’s post will take it one step further. We’ll discuss a very simple, science-based technique that you can use to make your contacts feel good about themselves while also improving the likelihood that they will offer assistance. Everyone wins!
First, let’s talk about the science. Back in 2012, researchers at the Harvard University Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience Lab conducted a study that found humans spend 60-80% of their time thinking and talking about themselves as opposed to others. The study examined the mechanics in the brain that account for this phenomenon and, while I am not qualified to break the specifics down for you, you can find an easily digestible description of the experiment and it’s findings in this article from Scientific American.
Given the information above, it’s tempting to write off the entire human race as a bunch of selfish jerks, but evolutionary psychology offers another explanation. In order to ensure survival, human brains have evolved over time to emphasize self preservation and preservation of one’s genetic relatives over the preservation of others. It’s not that folks don’t care about the people around them, it’s that we’re pre-programed to focus on our own survival first. So, we think and talk about ourselves, which results in the release of oxytocin, which makes us feel good, and so we focus on ourselves again and a cycle is created.
Now, here’s the super simple technique. It’s a secret that few others will share so pay attention! If you can break your own oxytocin cycle and focus on other people more frequently than you focus on yourself in conversation, it’s practically a superpower. Why? Because the person with whom you’re engaging is talking about themselves, they’re producing oxytocin, which is making them happy, and they are associating that happy feeling with your voice and/or face. They are feeling good about themselves, and they’re also feeling good about you, which makes them more likely to honor your request for help. This skill is not an easy one to learn but, if you can master it, you’ll find that the quality of your relationships will improve tremendously.
So here’s your homework for this week, if you’re up for it:
Think of a friend who might be able to help you in your employment search.
Call this friend on the phone or video conference with them.
Be direct and ask for help first. Why? Because if you ask for help after you catch up socially, the social conversation could seem disingenuous, even if you are genuine in wanting to connect with this person. If you feel uncomfortable asking for help and need some pointers, check out this article from Psychology Today.
For the remainder of the call make your best attempt to be genuinely engaged in your friend’s conversation. Practice active listening, and allow this person to speak for the majority (target 80%) of the time. Ask a lot of questions about their life. Show empathy.
If you repeat the process above, day after day, you will eventually see results. If anyone out there experiences successes or challenges with the technique above, I’d love to hear about it. Feel free to leave a comment below.
Keep going, friends. You’ve got this!